entry no. 9, reinvention for dummies?

WELCOME TO THE 9TH ENTRY OF E.T.C.I.G. WHERE I EXPOSE MYSELF, FRANCISCA THE CALLOUS IGBO GIRL.

I am an avid believer in the art of reinventing oneself. For this reason I can never deny a person the right to do so -myself included- as much as said person would want to [and at any chance they get]. With this I am here to say that, indeed, I myself am going through yet another reinvention. One that has been sincerely needed. However, it is not a reinvention quite like the rest because rather than a new me, with this reinvention, I am revisiting a former part me that I let get away.

Preoccupied in the past 2 years with the uncertainty of so many things after a quick turn of events, I subconsciously have let myself forget the joys that intentionally [and consistently] creating with myself had brought me, but rightfully so this happened. I have never admitted this to myself until recently but in those past 2 years I have actually been in mourning. A form of mourning that had [and still is] presented itself as a prolonged period of exhaustion. I’ve felt like nothing I would have intentionally done to bring myself joy would have worked, so i’ve been living for a while now without any intention to be happy. That is assuming I know what makes me happy. This state of exhaustion made me come to the realization that I have a pattern when it comes to my response to any situation my mind may perceive as traumatic. The pattern being my delayed response to whatever the trauma may be, with these responses even manifesting themselves years later, sad stuff right?

In the meantime -leaving this sad realization for later- I would like to mention why I am allowing myself go through this reinvention of my old self, assuming I actually know what the reason/reasons could be. Haha, in all honesty it really is because I would like to try again when it comes to bringing myself intentional happiness, I think. That and the fact that something just has to give, you know. Change cannot happen if I let everything just carry on the same way. I am fed up with these feelings that haunt the bane of my existence, whether they really are me at my true self or, they are just some traits I adapted from one of the many places I pick them from. Now, I just wish to feel and express other things, whatever they might be. I have a longing to feel them -the different, the good, the bad and anything that will not feel like a lie- I hope.

I divert, but, in conclusion, I look forward to feeling like I either just went through a rebirth or, I am going through one and, I very much look forward to creating again in a consistent manner.

fce💋.