entry no. 4, my ideas are partying in my idea journal

welcome to the 4th entry of EXPOSING THE CALLOUS IGBO GIRL, where I expose myself, the callous Igbo girl.

I get my best ideas in the shower, something about my body feeling water on it for a long time just gets my creative “JUICES” going. Majority of these ideas don’t make it out of the shower, some of them make it out but don’t get too far. Sometimes I would get a great idea and I would say to myself “WHAT IS AN IDEA THIS GREAT DOING IN MY HEAD?”😂 what the actual fuck am I supposed to do with it now, write it down and let it have a party with the other ideas I've had and can write down in my idea journal, because I don't believe I have the abilities to execute them yet.

I usually compare myself to other people I see doing almost the same thing I see myself doing or wanting to do, then I just wonder why I get the ideas I get and not the right resources to execute them, and I know, not every thing will just be easily handed to me, lol, but I would at least like to feel I have a little to even start; maybe I even do but i’m not looking in the right place, or maybe i’m just the problem, self-doubt is real and it exists in me especially when there are no rules I can follow to know if i’m on the right path. I know I self sabotage with these nonsense thoughts, so whenever I catch myself getting to deep into my head, I say to myself, “STOP WITH ALL THIS SELF-PITY AND JUST DO SHIT” -it’s literally how I got myself out of my bed this morning😂- I don't feel sorry for myself when I get these thoughts, but I do feel sorry for my great ideas, because why should they not get to dance outside of my journal, because the person supposed to execute them can get a bit incompetent sometimes?

I wish my parents brought me up as a person who didn't always have to follow the rules set up by society, then maybe I would have fought the idea of going to university immediately after secondary school -I honestly didn't know I could-. I also wish I was told that I also had to, and still have to, build a life outside academics, then maybe I wouldn't doubt myself as much. because this path I see myself taking wasn't really known to me until I literally became an adult. i’ve always had the ideas, but they felt so foreign like they shouldn't be talked about and just stay in my head, but then they made it out into a journal and I am very glad they did.

so, how do I get them out of there [the journal] now?